Everything I’ll ever need to know... I learned at Camp Haiastan

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By U. Peanut Boyajian

1. How to dance

2. How to make my bed

3. Maybe I’m not so hairy…

4. How to play basketball both up and downhill

5. How to run the 100-meter dash in two different directions

6. How to properly practice picking my nose

7. Why so many people enjoy going to the infirmary

8. How to do a T-rescue

9. How to play knock out

10. That it's a Massachusetts state law that chicken patties are the only lunch option on Wednesdays

11. How to meet my Armenian wife

12. How to shower in under three minutes

13. How to rescue drowning golf balls

14. I CAN be athletic…if I play against Armenians

15. How to fold a boreg

16. How to drink enough milk

17. How to run a 50-meter dash faster than the world record time

18. Who Loki and Fiona are

19. How to write a real letter and mail it

20. How to survive without a cell phone

21. How to chew sunflower seeds

22. How to sweep up sunflower seeds

23. How to twist my trunk

24. That clotheslines exist

25. How to survive overnight in a sauna

26. How to make a card playing arena using a trunk and a flashlight

27. How to practice safe fire escapes out of the back cabin window

28. How to pick losh kebobs

29. That shaving cream can also be used for shaving

30. How to abuse the number chors

31. How to improve self-esteem by playing younger group 4-square

32. How to sing and dance to “Like A Prayer,” Madonna

33. How to inspect the inside of a birthday cake first-hand

34. How to properly react to a dropped tray

35. That you can bowl for candlesticks

36. How to change your clothes in front of seven people without showing anything.

…and that there is no other place in the world like Camp Haiastan.